needing more, harkening more, feeling less, fearing less

one wonderful weekday i sat in the corner of the celestial room of the provo temple thinking of my plight and without me pushing for the answer these words spoke to me as if they came from someone sitting right beside me, "this life is not your own." it became instantly clear to me that my life was mean to be given to others in service and sacrifice as i too drew nearer to god and to understanding his eternal plan for me.

those words have weighed heavy upon my heart the past few weeks and i can't help bit feel a great weight and sense of...

let me describe it this way, i'm a perfectionist. when i do something i wanna do it all the way, the best, to the point that it is just done like a son of a gun. if i gotta clean the fridge i wanna pull everything out and clean and sanitize every bottle and make sure that every shelf is free of debris. if i gotta reorganize my finances i want a financial plan set forth in perfection for the next year. but i'm also very human, and i procrastinate with the best of them. and i know i have the immense task ahead of me and i just don't want to get it started. sometimes i make it a million times bigger in my mind than it really is. and that is overwhelming.

that is how i feel right now concerning my very special task. i feel as if i'm looking at the burden of something i don't dare take on right now. i take in a deep breath and release, and try to let go of some of my reservations. but unfortunately i can stop life to get off and take a breather i've gotta stay on this ride until the end.

so, "this life is not your own." what does it fully mean?

my patriarchal blessing tells me that folks of all ages will come to me for counsel. ever since my younger years i have lent my ear to the pleas of young men struggling with their own task. it's been both a trial and a blessing. more recently it has been a challenge because i'm starting to fell the pain of of my temple whisper as the opposition in all things comes to manifest itself.

i know that i am on the right path toward something greater than i can understand at this point in my life.

i know that the spirit that i have been granted has afforded me great comfort and guidance and inspiration as i speak to those that yearn for answers.

i know that my untold imperfections are being seen in a different light as i attempt to do what is right and lead those that come to me for help on a path that will aid them in answering their own queries in both practicality and spirituality.

i know that i am being lifted up and brought to a greater me.

for that i'm not wholly sure that i am ready for that refiner's fire. i'm not sure that i'm ready to leap into that scene when i don't yet know my lines. but i know that i've prepared and i'm a darn good improviser.

my heart though is breaking. i've been very alone for nearly three years now. and though i'm becoming accustomed to that i long for something more. i long to understand more. i long to connect more. i long to give more and in return receive as much as i put forth.

i'm not afraid to step forward, i'm not afriad to look into that canyon and walk boldly. i guess i just need to find my fist full of sand to give me a slight clue. i might need to shed a tear or two as well to make it glisten...

nathan - signature 001


Bravone said...

Nathan, with such sincerity, humility and strength, you will surely fulfill the mission that was whispered to your spirit in the temple.

Z i n j said...

what a great experience...it gives me pause...yet the obstacle before us huge. I hope you can bridge that gap.