there is a point in each person's life, (perhaps more than one even) where we look at ourselves and realize that we have stepped away from the person that we once envisioned. looking over my rather engorged belly to the scale i saw a number that made me queasy. 229.8 lbs. REALLY 229.8 lbs. in february 2007 i walked away from 265 lbs and got to a low of 205 within 8 months and now i'm staring over a gut filled with excess, a painful reminder of what i haven't been.

i eat my feelings I can admit it. the past few months have been stressful, or more accurately void of positive direction. perhaps the gods have blessed me with extra padding in order to activate my psyche and get me moving in a more positive direction. i will admit that I have been excessive in all the wrong was, if there are even any right ways to be excessive. i need to find moderation again. i need to redefine myself or perhaps think of it all as a redemption of myself.

it's so much easier to say and to envision. perfection, that is the route to perfection is a vision, a day dream that runs constantly through my mind. therein lies physical health and fitness, mental awareness and increased sharpness, the tools of creativity, financial responsibility and independence, lasting friendships and last but not least true happiness in a healthy relationship. i see it all so often in my mind. i dream of what it would be like to spend time each day writing and expressing my thoughts and my hopes in a manner that would allow me to be stronger and share what i have to share. i'm stronger than i'm allowing myself to be.

this next month, these four weeks, this cycle of the moon will be the dawn of a new me. i will take this time to assess the man that i am and address the man that i am to become.

i am intelligent and capable. i am beautiful and strong. i am more prepared than those that have come before me. i am blessed with insight and compassion. i can be and will become a man of influence and importance. i'm great without measure of comparison. i know that my talents and passions will introduce me to a world that does not understand but longs to appreciate. there is more to me than i even know. i can discover a man within my soul, a man so powerful that he will change the world. i believe that i am this person, or at least that i will become this man.

i must set measures and goals and be true to myself. i must be honest with the only individual that truly matters in my life. i must overcome the weakness of the flesh, the latent desires of lasciviousness and overpower mediocrity with desire, desire to become who i truly am.

there have been many moments in my life where i have set these lofty, ambitious words upon the mantle of my imagination and there, like the memories of a fleeting, meaningless conversation they fell to dust. i will no longer deceive myself. . i will no longer satisfy my thirst for perfection in the shadows of a daydream.

i will not look upon myself each morning and say with angst and depression in my voice, "i'll work on it tomorrow, i'll write it all down then. i'll start tomorrow. after this weekend of too many desserts and third, fourth helpings. after another day wasted in front of the endless cable television dramas. after another lost ambition." i will not do it any longer.

i will write down my heartfelt ambitions and change my life for the good.

in one month, before the sun will rise on my 29th birthday:
  • i will create and stick to a diet and exercise plan.
  • i will allocate time to be creative and imagine and write and draw.
  • i will complete tasks with order and no longer procrastinate my success.
  • i will create a vision board.
  • i will arise each morning and truly start my day with earnest anxiety for the potential that inspires me.
  • i will live responsible; financially, honestly, with integrity, timely.
  • i will give to those that rely upon me.
  • i will allocate time each day to record my own success and evaluate my own shortcomings and achievements.
this is my genesis, my new beginning, my re-creation, my rebirth. i refuse to walk into another year of life unhappy with the man that i am, living on this lowly plateau. i want to strive and sweat and work each day climbing to that mountain top, and then to the next, and the next, and the next. until my body cannot climb any longer and my soul continues the journey alone.

nathan - signature 001

1 comment:

beaux said...

i almost made it all happen.