letters to my love (3)

hey sunshine dimples -

yes i'm all about the corny random pet names... i missed you today. i thought about you often today. i've had a really great day today. it's been good. I'm not high on life or anything but content with direction i'm heading. i've come to understand that the ups and downs the universe gives us are truly gifts.

i dunno, today has been one of those days that i think about a little of everything as i try to grasp the lessons put on the billboards of my life. looking back i couldn't help but skim over some of the most difficult moments on my short journey. oddly enough, despite all the difficulties that i've seen, the most powerful memories are the moments that i was able to overcome the adversity and see beyond the darkness of that time.

i remember feeling like i was utterly worthless, as if nothing that i did made sense. i still have doubts and fears. i still struggle to fight the good fight. i have to wake up every morning and remind myself that life is good. life is precious. this life is the only life i've got and i can't waste it by feeling sorry for myself or dreading what might happen.

i told you how i lived in africa for a while. it was the most amazingly dreadful and excruciatingly phenomenal experience of my life. it shaped my view of the world and helped me become who i am. when i first arrived i was so terrified. the culture, the language, the sheer poverty, the entire world seemed to be beyond anything i could ever comprehend. it was so utterly overwhelming. my efforts to maneuver this new terrain on both a physical and emotional level were completely inadequate. i wasn't ready. all i wanted was to go home, runaway, to shut my eyes and make it all disappear.

one particular day, after nearly a week of waking up sobbing each and every mornign, i went to the president of our organization and told him i was leaving and i no longer wanted to stay there. he was a rancher, a tough guy. he looked me in the eye and asked me just one question, "are you happy?" I looked at him, puzzled by his seemingly redundant question and then replied, "of course not." he chuckled and said, "and who's fault is that? the aim of this life is to find happiness. and if you're unhappy then you're doing something wrong. you need to change your attitude. you need to make a greater effort to see beyond you. if you're unhappy, it's your fault, so change it." and that was that. He left me alone to ponder his simple, straightforward response. it changed my life.

i didn't get over it in an instant. it took a lot of hard work and very conscientious effort day after day. but finding happiness has become the aim of my life, my everyday. when i'm sad, downtrodden or simply befuddled by the mystery and challenges that the universe puts in my path i try to think to myself, "self, how can you find happiness in this moment?" i don't always have the answer, and sometimes the only happiness that i'm able to find in that moment is that it is only a moment and it will soon pass.

so cute boy, in the struggle to find happiness in my life i had to find happiness in my every day, in every moment. i had to find the happiness within that would overshadow any force outside of me. and that has been a lifelong and revolutionary venture.

i've come to know myself, to trust myself and above all to love myself. but that isn't a destination. it's been like arriving at the indie 500 and being that i have to run that course the rest of my life. i have to renew that faith in myself day after day. but sometimes i don't feel like it. sometimes i just wanna pout and wallow in my self misery. then i realize that my life is greater than me. my choices are bigger than just what I want.

so cute boy, before we ever cross that bridge where things get really hard i want you to know how much i believe in you. i want you to know that no matter what you might go through, happiness is within your grasp. you can beat anything. you can do anything. you are loved. you are precious and you are the only one that is able to find the best you but know that you're not alone!

life is rough. i know that, better than anyone. i know that at times we can get so down on ourselves and lose all hope. it's one of the ugliest things in this world, in my opinion it's the root of so much that is wrong. but my dear sweet man, never allow anyone to tell you that you are anything but amazing! never allow yourself to believe that you are anything but capable, confident, brilliant and beautiful. believe in all that you see that is good, that is great, that is majestic. believe in the power of your heart and the nobility of your soul. for there is something grand about each and every person on this earth and to me you're the grandest!

but above all know this, nobody is perfect... but you're perfect to me, just the way you are!

i love you,

nathan - signature 001

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